Before I start typing, I want to take a second to write down what I want to do with this blog. Or rather – how I want my posts to look. I can’t promise they’ll all be interesting to read, or have the best grammar as this isn’t my native language. I just prefer writing in english because I feel as though I can better express myself this way. I guess it’s comforting? I’m not sure. Anyway, over to the point;
I want to start my posts with negativity ,if I feel like jotting something down, and then end my posts with something positive. That way I get to finish off with good vibes, instead of going from happy to sad. I might also type down various things that has happened to me lately, what I’ve been up to, hauls or just dreams. Anything that comes to mind really.
I also want to point out very spesifically, I’m NOT after some sort of pity party.
I write to make my self feel better, not to gain others concern.
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Here we go. First blog entry of hopefully many more to come.
I’m sorry in advance, as this might be filled with a lot of depressing matters.
I’ve felt odd lately. Kind of misplaced? I’m not quite sure how to explain it. I feel lonely in my own and others company for the most part. I dont know how to change it, but I assume it’s just a part of the whole hormone battle that’s going on inside me right now. It’s been 8 weeks and 2 days since I got my first shot of testosterone. My voice has gotten a lot deeper, although I still very often end up squeeling like a squirl, haha. The thing that keeps me motivated is the fact that I can actually hear a diffrence. It’s at least a lot easier to pick up the phone and do a call now then what it used to be. I still can’t wait until I’ll get to remove my breasts. I would say they’re but biggest challenge in my everyday life. I’ve never felt such a intense feeling of hate and anger towards anything.
Have you ever been thrilled by the thought of cutting something off from your body?
I dream of it, everyday.
They’re strangers to me. Things that shouldn’t be there. Like a tumor. I often find myself desperate at nights when I can’t for the life of me find a position to sleep in that doesn’t hurt. These.. things that’s attatched to me hurt me everytime I wear my binders. They ruin my ribs to the point were it feels like they’ll break or I can’t breathe. It’s insane.
I never thought I’d end up like this.
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Sunday, February 2th I attended a Alternative convention.
It was very exciting. I have a weak heart when it comes to healing, stones and mediums.
I got to talk with one spesific woman, and she made me tear up. As I sat down, she suddenly mentioned she saw a huge dark, long haired cat standing behind me, protectively. She explained his beautiful and kind eyes, his white curly belly and his dark brown fur covering a tiger sized body. My eyes teared up, as I knew immediatly who she was talking about. An old, and very dear friend. She was talking about my deceased cat.
She told me how protective he was of me, always following me and making sure I was alright. She explained to me that whenever I’m sad, he’ll always crawls onto my chest and comfort me, so if I ever feel as though my chest is heavy, that’s just him laying there.
I still can’t get my mind wrapped around how accurate she was. I do believe her, as I’ve many times felt his presence. He’s the best memory I have of my childhood. He was also my best friend and biggest comfort. We were always together.
I miss him, and still cry over him. But honestly, now that I know he’s here with me, I feel relieved. I feel more safe, and relaxed. I’ll definitely think of him whenever I’m sad ❤
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I will stop for now, as this is getting long. Thank you for listening,